I wish more companies really paid attention to the noises their devices make, treated it like it was a part of the experience worth caring about.
I know you can save a few bucks here and there by digging the most hateful piezo buzzers you can find out of whatever Shenzhenese dumpster you happen to be grubbing around in when the product order comes in, I get it, but please. If I’m buying something that beeps at all, I am willing to spend an extra two dollars for a pleasant beep. Over the full life of that device, that’s fractions of a penny per beep. Let me give you that money.
Some people get it, all Japanese manufacturers from what I can tell. I’m not sure why the idea that your appliances shouldn’t sound like they’re either angry or disappointed with you has proven so difficult to export, but here we are.
This is the list of beeps that I have in my house, by manufacturer and the impression they convey.
- Panasonic: “That’s a solid button press. I respect you for pressing that button. This is good work; you’re doing great. We’re making headway on this together.”
- Zojirushi: “I love you. I made your rice and I love you. I want us to be happy and warm together.”
- Kitchenaid: “Hi. Do you, um… Hi. Have we met? Uh. Who are. Where? Hi.”
- Breville: “Hey! Shithead! Get it together! Look, get over here. Work with me. I need you to pay attention. Focus.”
- Whirlpool: [nasal voice] “Hey?.. hey? What? Hey! Hey!”
- Cuisinart: “That’s the button for burning your house down. That one too. All these buttons are the button for burning your house down. That’s wild. What a coincidence. I hate you so much.”
The Cuisinart – an otherwise-nice gooseneck kettle – since been modified with a piece of foam tape to dial it down from “hateful” to “muffled indignancy”, because that’s the absolute limit of what I’ll put up with first thing in the morning. At some point Mr. Breville is getting the same treatment.
Excluded from this list is one Kohler toilet seat, a story for another time, that I disassembled and filled with epoxy the second time it made any noise at all. It’s not a long story, but if you believe in the wheel of karma and the cycle of rebirth, as I sometimes wish I could, you should know that somebody at Kohler thought that a toilet seat should beep loudly when you sit on it, and they should expect to be reincarnated as a toilet seat that beeps loudly when you sit on it.